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Thursday, December 8th, 2011
1:19 pm - almost 5 years
ok. this is weird. why am i back here? i dunno how i stumbled back upon this site. guess i was bored at work. it's not like i'm really gonna update. ever. guess i didn't wanna have my latest post as something shitty that happened in my mostly-pretty-great life. but reading back 5+ years into ancient history sure is interesting. guess i was in a darker place back then for the most part. it's like opening a time capsule.

to say that a lot's changed would be an understatement. i'm married. that's right. the guy who was spouting out emo shit in 04-05 is MARRIED :) take that past-me! heh sorry, don't wanna kick you when you were down past-me. i've got a secure, well paying job as a contractor in a government office. it's like all those things that kept me up at night, all that drama, gone. amazing how in 5 seemingly-short years how grow'd up i am...sorta. i mean some of my peers have babies. i know, scares me too. but yea i just wanna take past-me aside (a la the ghost of christmas future) and say, hey man, it's all gonna work out. it's all gonna be ok. cuz it pretty much is. i like where i am now. sure, things could be better. they always could. they could always be worse too. i'm pretty busy, which i guess is ok. it's got its pros and cons. anyway, just wish i could have seen the forest for the trees back then. it's also amazing how this crazy thing called fate happens too. that girl i wrote about (2 entries and 5 years ago) who i met by randomly living nextdoor to. yea, that worked out. i'm married to her!! she gets me. even the things i didn't expect her to get, she gets. i get her too. maybe not everything, but i'll take it all. we're starting new lives together, and i'm stoked. for now though, back to work

current mood: bored

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Thursday, February 15th, 2007
11:59 pm - wow
hey lj. well i'm gonna vent again. it seems that i only really update this thing in times of anguish.....or just contemplation. but ya know what? that's what it's for.

so i guess a bunch has happened since my last update. i went to albuquerque with kristen to meet her parents and hang out for a week and a half. turned out to be a pretty slammin trip. i saw the sights, and had a pretty damn good time. so that's all good.

i had a pretty good winter break. got some chill time in. i actually just got an internship with a GIS company up in columbia. i was so worried about getting something a couple months ago. and now it finally happened. i'm glad it's paid...cuz i neeeds the money. i like the opportunity, but at the same time i have to ask myself...is this it? is all i'm shooting for a monotonous environment sitting in front of a damn computer, developing carpel tunnel, and getting fatter? i know my motivation is the money, cuz i'm gonna be independent come summer. but i don't want this to be my future. i need some variety. it keeps me sane. ya know...the grass is always greener on the other side. i wanted a damn job so bad, but now that i have one, i'm wondering what more there is.

in other news, some fucked up shit has gone down in the past day. long story short (maybe): our housemate of about a month has turned out the be one of the sketchiest, shadiest people i've ever known. valuable stuff has gone missing, including my camcorder, and our xbox 360....to name the most painful losses. basically this m-f-er hasn't paid me for rent this month and has taken our shit. so i called the cops last night and they said they couldn't really do anything without proof but i had the right to get into the room and search. i broke the door down and saw that he had fled out the damn window. so today i got the locks changed just to keep our shit (and ourselves) safe. right now i'm at kristen's place. a few hours ago this guy had the tenacity to threaten me VIA TEXT MESSAGE!!!!!! this fuckin pussy can't even talk to me (let alone look me in the eye). so the cops were called again, but they didn't do anything. i'm going to get a restraining order tomorrow. i'm kinda scared to go home...which is fucked up cuz it's MY home. but i'm gonna give it a weekend, maybe get away and sort my shit out. i sincerely hope everything will work out and be ok. happy fuckin valentine's day, eh?

anyway. i'm trying not to be stressed out by anything. nothing can beat me. i'm trying to be strong. i just wonder why this is all happening to me. is this karma coming back to return my good fortune with the bad? i don't deserve this. i will try my damndest not to let anything get to me. i'm trying to stay positive, but it's tough. i'm open to any kind of support. lord knows i can use it.

current mood: uncomfortable

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Tuesday, December 26th, 2006
2:48 am - it's been a while (not that crappy song)
holy jeez, i almost forgot about this old thing. so what's up? wait, why am i asking an inanimate online journal?? ok well anyways, christmas, hanukkah, and festivus have come and gone. the holidays are alright. i'm hangin out at my parents house in silver spring. it seems i've been home more than my parents. o well, whatever. i'm about to go to albuquerque on wednesday to visit kristen. i'll be there for like 9 days. should be pretty cool, i hope. i really miss her. we've been going out for about 9 months now and things are great. i couldn't really ask for anything more from a woman like her. she loves me for me and i love her for her. i hope things don't change when she moves away from 48th pl. so i'm kinda nervous about meeting her parents and spending like 9 days with them. i hope they're cool with me. i know i'm gonna get that vibe from her dad that's like "you're ok with me, but you're sleeping with my daughter...." awkard. i was kinda hoping to live it up in their cool house down there, cuz they're like loaded. but they sold it and now we're gonna be in like a 3 room condo. damn, their house in idaho sounds like a fuckin mansion. wish i was loaded like them. heh, so kristen's dad got her bill o'reily's book. i cannot stand o'reily. in my eyes he's an egotistical jerk, a partisan hack if you will. just widening the schism between liberals and conservatives. what an asshole. i hope my politics don't clash with kristen's parents...but so what if they do? i dunno. anyway, that's pretty much what's new with me. skool's over for a while, which rules. 1 more semester to go. fuck it.

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Wednesday, September 6th, 2006
11:07 am - i think i think too much
Apparently I woke up on the pessimistic side of the bed today. I've convinced myself that I need a job/job security or else I'm screwed in life. I'm sick of skool. It seems like a waste of time, just because I can't see its benefits right now. I want to do something that pays off. I don't know why I think I need to rush into this, but I'm gonna feel like a screw-up if I don't. Well, as if I don't already. I haven't amounted to much. But how do I get out there? Who do I ask? Why am I such a baby about it? I feel like I'm already unsuccessful. Seems like everyone around me has pretty much got their shit together. Maybe they don't and maybe I'm making way way too much of this. Here's what I'm scared of: I'm scared of being trapped into some kind of job that I don't wanna do. But I really don't know what I wanna do. When do I have to know this? I'm scared of being a screw-up. I'm scared of getting left behind.

I always have more that I want to say. But I forgot most of it. I wish it would all work out. I wish someone would show me the way and tell me it's going to be alright.


current mood: anxious

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Sunday, June 18th, 2006
5:15 pm - so yea
alrighty. well it's come to my attention that fans of my lj have been left in the dark. the thing is, yes, i'm in a relationship. i'm in deep and i fuckin love it. the best part is...she lives nextdoor! she's fun, beautiful, and as crazy as me. we're so right for each other its scary. it's about goddamn time i found a girl like her. anyway, that's the scoop. i'd better not jinx it.....

so i'm going to the beach tomorrow with my family. hope it's fun. then next weekend it's a roadtrip with matt! i should probably find out where we're going and stuff.

current mood: chewing gum?

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Wednesday, May 31st, 2006
8:40 pm
hey lj. ok i say this every time, but it's been a good while. but whatever.

so here's my deal. i'm going to puerto rico tomorrow morning bright and early. i should be way more excited about going but i'm not. i'm kinda disappointed i can't hang around here with my friends and my girl. like i know they're gonna be doing the same old stuff while i'm gone, but i think i'm gonna miss that. and i know i'm probably gonna have a great time on the trip, it's just that i think i'm gonna miss the people here. weird how that works...you get sick of the status quo but then can't bear to leave it behind. sure it's gonna be tough, but i'll try to make the most of it. let's see if life can go on without me for a few days....

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Sunday, February 26th, 2006
3:26 am - what the fuck
there's a lotta sketchy shit going down tonight. just to get that outta the way. although, i can't help but think we invited it. we'll sort it all out tomorrow i guess.

here's what's really on my mind: i want what i can't have. that's it. plain and simple. it's like my fate has been spelled out for me, but i don't want to accept it. but what now? WHAT NOW??????


now if only i could get to sleep..........

current mood: tired

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Friday, February 10th, 2006
1:11 am - what the hell is going on?
once again, it's been too long since the last update. whatever, i got better things to do..i guess.

here's what's bothering me right now. i can't deal with baggage. people with baggage just like dump all their shit on me and get me to feel sorry for them. like i can't relate that much to all that junk. i guess i can just be a shoulder to cry on. although i don't really like being in that position.

ok. whatever. short rant. i'm done for now.

current mood: done

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Saturday, December 31st, 2005
2:14 am - ok
yea update.

ok i know bad karma has come from previous lj posts on new year's eve. and bad karma has come from talking about it. i will only say this: i will make new year's eve the best it can be, whatever shit goes down. i have all of 2006 to deal with it.

work has been pretty insane the past few days. i remembered that being a skate guard is actually work sometimes. but at the same time it's actually really fuckin fun working with old friends. i kinda really wish i hung out with some of them more. it makes work not seem like work.

so while trying to avoid bad karma, i think i'm out of things to say. here's to nothing!

by the way, music is my fucking life.

current mood: punk

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Sunday, December 25th, 2005
11:21 pm - ?
i dunno. something's missing. i think. i don't even know what's going on. just dull.

you know when like someone gets you a present that kicks far more ass than the one you got them? yea, that's my deal. i'm like wow this is cool! here's my piece of crap i spent barely $10 on and contributed 0 thought on. i'm a jerk, what can i say? but i still feel bad about it.

well i start at cabin john again tomorrow. i work like 6 hour shifts all week. i'm not too pleased, cuz i feel like it's already eating my break away. it seems like i still have lots of shit to do even tho it's break. but i'm almost certain that if i didn't have anything to do i'd be sitting on my ass wasting time. i wanna make time for everyone, but there never seem to be enough hours in the day to do that. as soon as i get some time, people will probably all be back doing their own things. i dunno. i hope work is not a pain in the ass and will be mildly fun. it really really depends on who is or isn't there.


current mood: wishful

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Saturday, December 24th, 2005
1:10 am
hey again lj. been a while. i guess a lotta stuff's been going on. or really a lotta nothing much. but it's winter break and that rules. i'm at my parents' right now and for a few days. i guess it's all well and good, you know, putting in the family time. but i'd rather be in CP chillin. seems like there's always something going on there nowadays, which is pretty cool.

anyway, i think i'm starting to figure out what i desire in a woman. just to lay it on out there, i think i want someone like me. likes music (punk would be preferable), sports (hockey again the preference, but i could work with whatever), just chillin and watchin dumb tv, and just an all-around fun kinda girl. as for looks, i'm not really all that picky. i'm just looking for a really cute girl with a nice smile, nice hair, and whatever else the typical superficial male would find appealing. but my problem is that i'm still kinda afraid to aproach women, especially so for the ones that i find good-looking. i think it's intimidating or something. but like, i din't even know if i wanna be in a relationship right now. i kinda like my life where it is right now. relationships take work (if you want them to succeed).

early on i was in kinda long-termish relationships. lately it's been pretty short-lived ones with psycho-crazy girls that came on to me. i can't help but think that might have scared me into not wanting a relationship. like right now, i could potentially ask someone in particular out and get something going. she's a nice girl, waaay nice. i'm not sure if i'm a fan or not. but she's really cool. we've been good friends, so i don't really know if it'd be the best idea. also, to quote seinfeld, i'm not "ga-ga" over her. i dunno what it is, i like her, but i dunno if i could really pull it off. PLUS a certain old flame is back in my sights after a drunken hook-up. we both knew it wasn't the best idea, but we did it anyway. and i'd love another chance. but we're also such good friends too. complicated shit.

so that's my latest dilemma. i start working at the rink again on monday. i have a bunch of hours too. i hope it's cool. so here's to starting a good winter break.

current mood: also nothing

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Wednesday, November 16th, 2005
4:57 pm - i can't take it
maybe i'm just being like a big asshole, but fucking EVERYTHING pisses me off these days. like i just wanna give the finger to everyone. the biggest cause is probably skool. i hate skool. i hate going to skool. i hate doing things for skool. whenever i have to do something for it, it just pisses me off even more. as a whole, i think i'm kinda tired of people for a while. or at least people i don't like. i need to remember that i should be doing stuff with the people i do like. i try to, anyway. but like, every day after class i'm in the worst mood ever. i really just wanna say fuck it all and just do things my own way.

i'm also really tired of hiding from people on IM. like there are a lotta people i don't wanna talk to that get up all in my biz. i guess i could block em or something, but it shouldn't have to come to that.

so i close with this: why doesn't the world revolve around me?

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Tuesday, November 8th, 2005
1:11 am - it's been a while
There's kinda been a lot going on lately. A lot of different people doing a lot of different things. Anything could happen really, but I think I see the path that it's going to take. I don't really like predicting my future. I don't really like the whole fate idea. Shit's comin outta nowhere. It's nuts. But I'm not really complaining. Life's been pretty fun I guess. Crazy. But at the same time, it feels like I can't break this hideous routine.

I think that's all for now.

current mood: blown mind

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Monday, October 17th, 2005
12:37 am
does anyone know where i can find a version of AIM that lets me have two screen names i can be on at the same time? like can someone hook me up with a link? what does everyone else use? does deadaim do it? can i stop asking questions now?

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Thursday, October 13th, 2005
12:53 am - ice cream's pretty good any way you look at it
ok. i want this ipod:


wow that was a long link. anyway, yea. the 30GB one is $300. i have $300. but do i want to spend $300? maybe when/if i ever get this reffing job. though, i did pass the re-take test by 1 question :) but those questions were bullshit. i know the rules. although, i should probably stop buying shit on ebay. like i'm trying to MAKE MY OWN ovechkin jersey. i think it's pretty stupid. so here's my story. i won a name and number kit of ovechkin to put on a white jersey. however, my white has new autographs on the back where the name and number would go. so i'm like well i gotta get a new white jersey. i figure i could get a jagr one for cheap and take the jagr name and number off and sew ovechkin's on. also, i've really wanted an authentic so i tried to get one but was outbid at seriously the last second. but i won one today...kinda expensive. and i also got a jagr jersey, which i'll probably end up re-selling for hopefully as much as i paid for it, but probably not. so right now i'm in the hole like $140 but hopefully i can make some of that back. i hope it all works out. thanks for reading all this shit, cuz i bet you have no idea what i just said. but it's important to me. so anyway, i needs more money comin in.

in other news, the workload has slowed down today and will hopefully hold out til the end of the week. but i forsee some crap to do this weekend and next week. i hope this weekend's fun. the potential is there so we'll see what happens. also, i'm going to the gym tomorrow morning. i'll do it, i swear. it's gonna make my long thursdays even longer. but if i have some good tunes to bring, i don't care. it shouldn't rain on me tomorrow. it might friday. i might go friday too but i dunno about the biking. so to bed i shall go soon, before 3:00. o no!

current mood: not bad at the moment

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Monday, October 10th, 2005
1:19 am - hey shitface
hey so i guess it's time to update again. so what's new..... this weekend was fun. drank with kevin and the guys friday night. went up to towson to see big d, players, and pietasters. the show was pretty good. i got the new and good players cd. pietasters rocked and big d played some good ones. i wasn't really in a show mood but by the end of it i had fun. we went to donnybrook and hung out and i slept on the floor. comfyness was a bit lacking but i slept enough. we hung out up there most of today and watched football and eat pizza among other things. i wanted to come back but then i kinda got stressed out cuz i was back and it was late sunday and i had stuff to do. but it wasn't really that bad, i'm just good at making it seem like i have a lot to do. but hey, i appreciate my chill-time. we'll see what this week's like. next weekend already sounds fun but i may have promised too many things to too many people. i'm also good at doing that too. i'll tell you what i'm not good at. and that's reading people. i officially suck at that.

so here i am, back at square one. now as it stands i think i'm ok with that. i think i'm finally beginning to see what i appreciate in another person. but i have ABSOLUTELY no idea of how to find it. some things seem so easy, yet to me they're the most impossible to do. but i figure i got a little time, you know? so until then i'll be wandering around like i always do and beat myself up over it. it's a vicious cycle. i tell you, if i could make a living out of all the stupid things i do, i'd be set.

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Wednesday, September 14th, 2005
11:44 pm - disclaimer: this entry will not say all that i want it to say but i need to update this
so a new skool year is upon us. i had slightly high hopes about it. so far i've gone very unfulfilled. my classes are boring with a lotta work to do. and that's no good. but we've got this house and it's pretty cool. yet i feel more introverted than ever. like whenever i'm on campus i always feel like i'm under everyone's microscope, constantly being judged. i kinda just wanna be invisible, but it seems like i'm invisible at the same time. it's weird. i don't like it. i'm trying to find new things to like and new people to meet. christine and michelle know some pretty cool people and i should hang out with them more. i just gotta get out there, but it's really hard. i'm so self-concious. like i never feel good about myself. it's a burden. i think i think too much. maybe if i kill enough brain cells, it won't matter. but then my years of sitting and wasting my time in skool with me all for naught. what am i to do? i feel like i'm at a turning point and i gotta pick a way to go, but my car's stalled out.

still waitin for that good karma return

current mood: frustrated

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Tuesday, August 9th, 2005
11:56 pm - NGFL more than ever
i don't know. shit's been changed around. it seems like everything's in shambles. when's the good karma come my way? haven't seen much of it lately. i guess i must have done something wrong. but that's so like me. i am a fanatic of blaming things on myself. it's not good for me.

it's a good thing i wasn't more attached. i know that's bad to say but it's true. but i didn't need all this bullshit. i have plenty on my mind as it is. more and more every day. i don't want to face the next couple of days. with eveything snowballing i'm gonna crack. i feel tense all the time. it's not gonna get any better. i gotta get some more god damn sleep. so that's all i got.

current mood: dead

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Saturday, August 6th, 2005
2:09 am - i can't sleep. i think i'm trying too hard
whilst thinking to myself as i was trying to sleep, i've realized that this summer hasn't been bad. it's been good. many fun and memorable things. i guess i just don't want it to end. but i know it will. and that sucks.

also, today i realized that finding out comments about you that you were never intended to hear hurt a lot. it's things like that that make me so self-concious. sometimes you think you know somebody.....

current mood: outta gas

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12:23 am
well hey. it has been some time between updates. i only update this when i'm feeling bad or confused about life. i think this is confused about life.

i like how this entry won't say anything that i originally intended to say. o wait. no i don't. so i dunno. it's already august. i feel like i suddenly have a shitload to do. i don't know how it happened. there's not much summer left. i still feel like i have to make the most of it somehow. i mean this summer has been cool i guess. i've been to europe twice, i have a chill job, i'm suddenly in a relationship, and i live with friends instead of parents. but something still doesn't seem right. like i don't feel like i can call this a "good" summer yet. i really don't want class to start. but hopefully my schedule and classes will be chill.....yea probably not. i just feel like i have a lotta unfinished business. i wanna dye my hair a good color. i don't think i should for my hair's sake but i wanna treat the shit outta it and then see if i have any left. i also wanna do something drastic after work is done in a couple weeks. like take a random roadtrip or something with a friend or two. although i wouldn't mind going somewhere alone. i'm seriously considering it. just get away for a couple of days. i'm still thinking about it.

uh. anyway. i'm happy there's gonna be hockey this year. i can't wait for the season and just have hockey around again.

i'm fucking burnt out. i wanted to have a really chill weekend and just do nothing, but i don't think that's gonna happen. i don't know why but this week kinda killed me. i know for a fact that next week's gonna be worse cuz i'm gonna have to get up early again. i'm trying to go to smash sunday. get some dye and do my hair. i am aware that the last sentence sounded a little effeminite. but i don't wanna call it gay. but anyway, i might go downtown by myself, or maybe a friend could go. it's only friday night. we'll see where i am after this weekend. i guess i'll keep ya posted...or something...if you care.

current mood: haze

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